Ah, spring. That lovely time of year when the sun comes out, the flowers bloom, it’s safe to leave the house without a parka, and social life comes knocking with a vengeance.
Help you feel better. The Art of Saying “No” With race and Respect: Learn how saying “no” can improve your relationships and help you feel better.
As much as it’s a relief to be rid of the cold and inconvenience of winter, most of us experience a bit of a welcome lull in our calendars after Christmas. With the advent of spring arrives a wave of obligations: volunteer opportunities, school events, weddings, potlucks, and charity functions seem to come clamoring from every direction, not to mention the unavoidable claims of yard work and spring cleaning. I find that at this time of year the smell of hyacinth and sunshine goes to my head and I find myself saying yes to a few too many noble causes—leading to stress, frustration, and burnout as I try to juggle all my new responsibilities.
- PDF The Art Of Saying NO How To Stand Your Ground Reclaim Your Time And Energy And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted (Without Feeling Guilty!) Online 1. PDF The Art Of Saying NO: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted (Without Feeling Guilty!) Online 2.
- So before you say “no”, know what you are saying yes to. When you think of all the things that you could do just by saying “no”, you may feel less guilty for saying “no”. Avoid details.
- The Art Of Saying NO: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted (Without Feeling Guilty!) - Kindle edition by Damon Zahariades.
- The Art of Strategy Is About Knowing When to Say No. By the time we’d grown to a couple hundred employees, all that dissipated energy had begun to yield diminishing returns. “Brian, this ‘yes-man’ thing worked fine in startup mode,” said Lorrie Norrington, one of our board members. “But it’s backfiring in scale-up mode.
- Impact Factory has been running programmes on The Art of Saying No for nearly seven years and we are often asked what the difference is between our work and assertiveness training. The reason we've been asked this is that assertiveness training has been around for some time, and people wonder if this art of saying no business isn't just more of.
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The clear solution to my overcommitment problem is to say no to some things. But it’s hard to be firm without sounding harsh, and making excuses too often turns into resigned acceptance, especially when I would truly love to take everything on. What’s a woman to do?
Luckily, Miss Manners is here to help. In her essential and hilarious volume of etiquette, Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Miss Manners (the pen name of author and etiquette expert Judith Martin) lays out some excellent tools for gracefully and effectively saying no that we can all benefit from.
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Tool #1: Silence
Too often, when called upon to commit to something that I don’t want to do or don’t have time for, I find myself running off at the mouth, offering the asker a laundry list of excuses in an attempt to justify my refusal. It’s important to realize that, when turning down an engagement or opportunity, excuses simply aren’t necessary, and in fact listing them can make you feel so guilty about saying no that you say yes anyway.
Part of the reason many of us make excuses for refusing an obligation is that we don’t feel confident in our answer. Miss Manners’ advice reassures us that allowing ourselves to say no without offering a myriad of excuses is not rude. In a chapter entitled 'Saying No: Silence as a Social Skill,' Miss Manners lays out some good rules for handling difficult or pressing requests with class:
All [the correct answers] require, to be both gracious and effective, is that one close one’s mouth after saying them and not continue talking. The correct answer..is 'Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, I just can’t.' Got that? In most cases, it is simply enough. However, if anyone asks why not, the correct answer is “Because I’m afraid it’s just impossible.”
The hardest part of this is enduring the silence after offering your refusal. Miss Manners has the solution:
Many people … fill [the silence] by running off at the mouth .. They would do well to practice shutting up. It is a social grace few can afford to be without. In the mean time, Miss Manners has an exercise for intermediate students. They may say, “I have to check with my husband (wife, broker, boss, dog’s baby-sitter, house plants)” and then call back later and try again to give the correct answer.
Now, many people feel that you aren’t allowed to “get out” of something they want you to do unless you have a good excuse, and simple, polite, guilt-free refusals may confuse them. In the quotation above, Miss Manners reminds you that you are allowed to soften the blow of “no” by stepping away from the conversation and coming back later to deliver your answer. Once you’ve practiced this a few times, offering a polite refusal without accompanying excuses (and guilt) will become second nature.
Tool #2: Persistence
Saying no once can seem hard enough, but what if the person asking you won’t give up easily? If repeatedly asked for something that you are unwilling or unable to give (time, attention, money, etc.) it can be difficult to know how to stick to your guns. In response to a reader's question asking how to tactfully decline communication with someone, Miss Manners writes,
Saying no to [contact] is like saying no to unwanted food, drink, or romantic attention. You just have to keep saying it, firmly and politely, until people stop pressing it on you.
This tool applies equally well to charity dinner invitations, bake-sale fundraisers, or repeated requests to join timeshares in Louisiana. When faced with a persistent request, all that is required to prevail is a little light-hearted persistence of your own, backed up by the realization that you do not have to say yes to something you do not want to do. So many of us believe that the polite thing to do is say 'yes,' when in fact saying 'no' can be equally polite while allowing us to maintain personal integrity.
Tool #3: The Spontaneous Refusal
'Hey, we’re going for drinks and we have one spot left in the car, wanna come or not?'
'There’s a school potluck this weekend and we really need volunteers, it won’t take more than a few hours and your children can help! Shall I put you down for 2 pm?'
'I know you said you made plans this weekend but we really need someone to stay late and close tomorrow. You don’t mind just this once, do you?'
'Can you come help me move tomorrow? I only have the truck until 6.'
While all of these requests may seem reasonable on paper, I know I’ve done my share of teeth-grinding when they get dropped on me in real life. Part of the frustration comes from the last-minute nature of these situations—it’s hard to say no to something that seems urgent. The key to saying no to the spontaneous request is to distinguish what is urgent from what is important. Your mental health, family and personal relationships, life goals, and spiritual life are important. Potlucks, abrupt schedule changes, and last-minute dinner invitations, while often billed as urgent, are rarely important and should be accepted based on preference, not pressure. Miss Manners offers a neat solution:
[Miss Manners] also urges you to use the spontaneous refusal, which is the appropriate response to the spontaneous invitation. It goes something like this: “Oh, we would have adored to see you and Uncle Fred - isn’t it rotten luck that the one time you were free is the time we simply can’t? Promise that next time you’re planning to come you’ll remember to put us on the top of your advance notice list!”
What I love about the above answer is that not only does Miss Manners express affection while sticking to her guns and without offering lots of excuses (using Tools 1 and 2), she also offers a clear expectation for future interactions: that more advance notice be given in order to secure a 'yes' instead of a no. It should be noted that Miss Manners does not recommend setting up a different obligation in order to get out of the spontaneous visit—remember, you do not need to say yes to one thing in order to be justified in saying no to a different one. (This is obvious upon reflection, but also strangely groundbreaking.)
Now, obviously, Miss Manners doesn’t advocate that everyone should say no to everything. But we are limited beings with a finite amount of time. It is all too easy to get busy with events and obligations that, on paper, 'won’t take much time,' only to find that you suddenly have no time for priorities that really matter to you and your loved ones. If we follow Miss Manners’ advice for judiciously saying no to things that distract or exhaust, we free ourselves to say yes to those things that are truly essential to our well-being, like spending time with family or close friends, pursuing personal creative work, or just sitting still and enjoying a spring afternoon.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
Mark Manson
Self-Help
HarperCollins
September 13, 2016
224
Mark Manson
Self-Help
HarperCollins
September 13, 2016
224
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck teaches us to live a happier, anxious-free life through practical philosophy centered around the rejection of any self-help effort.
Contents
- The Art of Not Giving A Fuck Summary
- The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck Video
Bullet Summary
- Being too harsh on improving yourself is saying you’re not good enough. Give less of a fuck instead.
- Choose what to give a fuck about. And then don’t give a fuck about all the rest.
- Choose what to give a fuck about. And then don’t give a fuck about the price to get there
About The Author: Mark Manson started his career as a dating coach and pick up artist to later broaden his scope into general self-development.
His first book was “Model“, followed by “The Art of Not Giving A Fuck” with which he broke into the mainstream and then followed by “Everything is Fucked“.
His first book was “Model“, followed by “The Art of Not Giving A Fuck” with which he broke into the mainstream and then followed by “Everything is Fucked“.
Chapter 1: Don’t Try
Mark Manson says that our culture of always getting more and more focused on what we lack.
He says that dating and self-improvement advice are all ways of saying that you aren’t enough.
And it’s all designed to make you feel bad and buy more stuff.
And it’s all designed to make you feel bad and buy more stuff.
He says that a confident man instead doesn’t feel the need to prove anything. The key to a good life is not about giving a fuck more. It’s about giving a fuck less.
Avoid Social Media
Mark Manson says that social media only accentuated the culture of never enough (read Daring Greatly for more on never enough culture).
All we see is people trying to one each other up showing how great and better their lives are.
And when we can’t compare we wonder what the hell is wrong with us.
And when we can’t compare we wonder what the hell is wrong with us.
Accept Negative Experience
The author then suggests that the desire for a more positive experience is in itself a negative experience.
The Art Of Saying No Pdf File
And the acceptance of a negative experience is instead in itself a positive experience.
Trying to avoid pain is giving too many fucks about pain. When instead you become capable of giving less fucks about pain… Then you become unstoppable.
Give Less a Fuck
Mark Manson says that we have a limited number of fucks to give in our lives. Deciding what NOT to give a fuck about them will free our time and mental resources for the things we really care about.
What Not Giving a Fuck Means
1.Not giving a fuck doesn’t mean being indifferent.
It’s about choosing what to give a fuck about and then not giving a fuck about all the rest.
It also means you don’t give a fuck about the troubles standing between you and what you give a fuck about.
It also means you don’t give a fuck about the troubles standing between you and what you give a fuck about.
2. Give a fuck about something more important than adversity.
If you don’t find something important to give a fuck about, your fucks will be given to meaningless and frivolous causes.
3. You’re always choosing what to give a fuck about.
So pick something meaningful.
Not giving a fuck is not being indifferent. It’s being indifferent to being different
Chapter 2: Happiness Is a Problem
Mark Manson says that happiness is not a solvable equation or something that can be worked for.
He proposes instead a different question: what pain do you want in your life. Happiness takes struggle and even requires problems.
And here’s the beautiful catch: if you want the rewards, but not the struggle, you don’t really want it.
And here’s the beautiful catch: if you want the rewards, but not the struggle, you don’t really want it.
Our struggles determine our successes and our problems, determine our happiness as we struggle to fix them.
Because the joy is in the struggle itself.
Because the joy is in the struggle itself.
The question is: what pain do you want in your life?
Chapter 3:You Are Not Special
We’re inundated by a deluge of self-help messages screaming:
Each and everyone can be extraordinary!
And that we all deserve greatness!
And that we all deserve greatness!
Even Oprah says it, quips Manson so it must be true!
This is all leads to an entitlement mentality (read how to overcome entitlement mentality).
Bunce once you you accept you can be “normal”, and that you don’t have to be “special”, it’s liberating.
Windows 95 free download. You can be normal and happy, and you can be normal and great in your “normalness”.
And you will be able to enjoy the boring beautiful side of life: friendships, reading a good book, laughing, creating something.
It’s liberating to accept you’re not really special
Chapter 4: The Value of Suffering
The question is not how to stop suffering but for what purpose you are suffering.
Your values should be instead reality based, socially helpful and controllable.
For example “being popular” is dependent on others and not fully up to you, and thus it’s not a good value.
For example “being popular” is dependent on others and not fully up to you, and thus it’s not a good value.
Picking and deciding on good values also allow us to give fucks about things that matter for us and for others.
My note:
True, albeit I think it’s more about identity than values. Check my guide on building an antifragile identity.
True, albeit I think it’s more about identity than values. Check my guide on building an antifragile identity.
Self Improvement is prioritizing things to give a fuck about
Chapter 5: You Are Always Choosing
Mark Manson says that we can’t always control what happens to us, but we certainly can choose what it means to us and how we respond to it.
My Note:
Albeit Manson criticizes self-help, this is a true and valid common mantra in self-help embraced by authors such as Tony Robbins and Brian Tracy and harking back to stoic philosophy, also see “The Obstacle is The Way” and “Meditations”.
Albeit Manson criticizes self-help, this is a true and valid common mantra in self-help embraced by authors such as Tony Robbins and Brian Tracy and harking back to stoic philosophy, also see “The Obstacle is The Way” and “Meditations”.
Chapter 6: You’re Wrong About Everything
Drivers for elm327. Mark Manson says that it’s easier settling on certainties, even when they’re negative.
And he suggests instead of resisting the temptation of being sure and to accept “never knowing who you are”.
It will force you to keep an open mind and keeps you striving to discover and find out.
It will force you to keep an open mind and keeps you striving to discover and find out.
Some questions Mark Manson recommends you ask yourself are:
- What if I’m wrong?
- What would it mean if I were wrong?
- Would being wrong creates a better or worse problem?
Mark Manson ends saying that if you’re in a situation where you are screwed up or everyone else is screwed up… It’s far, far more likely that it’s you.
My note:
I will link here to the all-important concept of “love reality, even when it hurts” in Ray Dalio’s Principles.
I will link here to the all-important concept of “love reality, even when it hurts” in Ray Dalio’s Principles.
If it feels like it’s you VS the world, chances are it’s just you VS yourself
Chapter 7: Failure Is the Way Forward
Mark Manson says that failures come from having picked the wrong values. And life is about not knowing but doing it anyway.
Action doesn’t just happen because of motivation, it causes motivation
Chapter 8: The Importance of Saying No
Freedom by itself means nothing.
Picture Of Saying No
You are always free, and roaming the world without a boss reading “The 4-Hour Workweek” just to prove it won’t give you any sense of meaning.
The only way to achieve a sense of meaning in your life instead is to reject total and boundless freedom and choose instead to commit to something. Like a place, a relationship, or even a belief.
The author uses himself as an example: focusing on just writing gave his website more success he could have ever imagined, and committing to one woman gave him more happiness and joy that all the one night stands he’s ever had.
My Note:
this part basically summarizes what Grit by Angela Duckworth is all about.
this part basically summarizes what Grit by Angela Duckworth is all about.
It’s commitment that gives you freedom and liberation
I have to say, the beginning story of chapter 9 was touching.
Mark tells the story of a good friend his, a guy he looked up to, who died at a party when jumping into a lake from a cliff.
My Note:
I have read a similar story from different authors now to the point that I must wonder how true it actually is.
It sure sells well and capture people’s attention, which makes it all the more dubious.
Of course, I have no way of knowing that.
But we can still learn from it. Also check how mortality can help you live better.
I have read a similar story from different authors now to the point that I must wonder how true it actually is.
It sure sells well and capture people’s attention, which makes it all the more dubious.
Of course, I have no way of knowing that.
But we can still learn from it. Also check how mortality can help you live better.
If there’s no reason to do anything – there’s no reason NOT to do anything
Here is a good summary I have found on YouTube:
The Art Of Saying No Pdf Book
How Not To Give A F*ck
And here are the deepest, practical aspects of not giving a fuck and enjoying life better:
- Choose What to Give a Fuck About
Pick your passion and then zero in and focus on it.
Mark Manson says it in the “bro” style, but however, you phrase it, deciding what matters in your life IS a great way of improving your life.
Mark Manson says it in the “bro” style, but however, you phrase it, deciding what matters in your life IS a great way of improving your life.
- Leverage Mortality to Go For What You Want
I particularly loved the last chapter in that it reminds us of a very important thing: we will all die.
That’s not sad.
That’s just how it is.
That’s just how it is.
Reflect on that and then demand yourself: should you really waste your time doing things you don’t like or don’t care about?
- To Beat Death.
. Care about something bigger than yourself. Which will also allow you to not give a fuck about so many things you shouldn’t give a fuck today but you do.
CONS
- Some Re-hashed Self-Help Ideas
Some of the contrarian sounding ideas are actually established concepts which are explored deeper in other sources (but this is not to say they aren’t valuable or that Manson doesn’t give it a different spin).
- Special & Wrong About Everything?
I’m not really convinced about the usefulness of some concepts.
As a website focused on social interaction and people skills I’d have to say that second-guessing yourself on how wrong you are, for example, will make you very much un-charismatic.
And yes, if your value is “being special” you’re on the wrong path. But if you tell yourself you’ll prove how special you can become (proving it to yourself), just to motivate yourself, then that can be a great motivator.
- Bro-“hip” language
It feels sometimes as if the author is trying too hard to sneak in one more swear words and to make his sentences sound cool and fun.
Maybe someone likes it, to me it was a bit “meh”.
Maybe someone likes it, to me it was a bit “meh”.
PROS
- Deeper than some might think
The title could be misleading to some and in some intellectual circle I have heard some scathing review for “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F”.
But I disagree: this book is deep and contains a lot of powerful advice.
But I disagree: this book is deep and contains a lot of powerful advice.
- Good wisdom
Beyond the cussing, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck is a book packed with practical philosophy and life-changing wisdom.
I had some negative expectations to be honest.
And I had to force myself to rid of all my preconceptions before starting “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” (it’s my rule for reading effectively to approach everything with an open mind).
I thought it was going to be some bro-book on how to be an ahole.
Well, I was wrong.
“The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” is a truly brilliant philosophical self-help treaty seemingly against self-help, but ultimately helping readers to develop themselves into better versions of themselves.
The ideas I’ll take away from Mark Manson are:
- Pick what to give a fuck about. And don’t give a fuck about the failures and embarrassments it takes to get there.
- If you want the reward but not the struggle, you don’t really want it. Love the struggle or stop wishing for the achievement
- If there’s no reason to do anything, there’s no reason NOT to do anything
Note on Friend Who Died
I have absolutely no call in doubting the veracity of the friend who died story.
However, I have to note that I have read almost the same story in the book Published, by a rather skilled marketer.
And it left me wondering a bit if it was copied from here.
However, I have to note that I have read almost the same story in the book Published, by a rather skilled marketer.
And it left me wondering a bit if it was copied from here.
Check out the best books to read, see all my reviews at onceor Get the book on Amazon.
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